My upbringing was normal by urban middle-class North American standards, I worked hard in school, focused a lot on singing and wound up studying opera, of all things, in university. I'm sure you can argue that there are parallels to be drawn between opera and porn on some level, but it's fair to say that most aspects of the two worlds are completely opposite. Throughout school, I fell out of love with the idea of making a living from singing and my interests turned to a lot of behind-the-scenes arts administration type stuff, including a really awesome marketing class about social media. I also took a few women's studies courses and found that I kept writing about porn and how it had the potential to be so much more.
When I finished school, I just wanted a job so I could stick around the city and pay my rent, so I hit Craigslist. Lo and behold, there was an opening for a PR and Marketing position, and upon interviewing for the position, I found it was for a small porn company. Maybe it's my impetuous nature, but as soon as I saw the very impressive reel of cinematic-quality porn, I jumped on the opportunity and started my new life as a porn pusher.
The only thing is, I didn't tell my parents. I told my partner and a few close friends, but there was a disconnect in my head about my job and my parents' expectations. My folks are equal parts hippies and WASPs, so their reactions are hard to predict and I somehow didn't feel confident in being able to get past the stigmas associated with porn. It was hard to hold my head high and say that I wanted to make my life working in such a marginalized industry, even though it might not have come as that much of a surprise. On a more fundamental level, it was hard to shed what I perceived as my "good-girl opera student with a bright future" persona and embrace my smut-peddling identity.
So I kept it a secret until the holidays, which was a good 8 months. Eventually, it had to come out, but I had learned the language to explain what I did in an empowered way. Of course it helps that the porn I'm promoting is somewhat genre-defying and has a higher political/social goal of fostering healthy sexuality, but that's not really the point. The point is that I was able to look my parents in the eye and be proud that I am doing something I love, even if it's something that can be seen as taboo.
Ultimately, the experience was really enriching, and when I went to the Feminist Porn Awards, my dad asked if there was any way that he could get seats to come cheer me on. While that didn't end up happening, I did come home with a butt-plug-shaped trophy that night and I showed it off with pride, even though it meant accepting that everyone in the room knew what the trophy was referencing and how it could be used.
Just the other day, I met with a professor at my alma mater for an interview about our site's unique social media strategy. It may not sound like much, but getting that kind of recognition is incredibly validating. It just goes to show, if you work hard and do something special, you'll get respect, even if it's for something outside the confines of normalcy. Besides, it was hilarious to be talking about the ins and outs of the porn industry in our student centre cafe.
I'm not just telling this story to hear myself talk, but rather because this is a big issue that everyone needs to come to terms with, whether on a professional level like mine or on a personal level. Embracing various aspects of our personalities is what gives texture to life. Giving voice and agency to desires and feelings that fall out of societal norms helps us to realize that there is no need for black or white, no need for a good-girl/bad-girl dichotomy, no need for the whole Madonna/whore complex. There's a lot more to everyone, and only by accepting that will we be able to be at peace. Frankly, if more people were open about their desires, if more people aimed to make genre-defying porn, if more people worked actively to destigmatize sex and sexuality, it would probably do the world a lot of good.
